Eve Ensler

Okay With It

So the Summer is almost over and I feel change in the air again. I went into this Summer expecting so much change and wonderful, exciting things but I think I've sort of realised that maybe my change, was NOT changing. I needed to have some sort of consistency, something to remind myself of the path that I'm trying to be on. It's so incredibly cliche to say "I have a path that I'm supposed to take, but I just don't where it's going to take me" and all that other bullshit nonsense. But by nothing life-altering happening to me this Summer, I had to look within and sort of just (as awful as it might sound) deal with myself. Handle, me. And I'm coming out of this Summer with fresh and exciting eyes, ready for whatever is next. I may not have found inner peace (if there is such a thing) and I may not have been swept off my feet but I did enjoy happy moments when they came to me, cried when I needed to, laughed when I wanted to, and daydreamed because I could. So that will have to be enough for me right now, and I'm totally okay with it. I don't know what's next, if it's change or things staying the same--leading into an easy Fall or an exciting Winter. Who knows. I don't feel ready, because I don't think I have to be ready. I'm just being.

Eat the Damn Chocolate Cake

As We Are

Arrows

Things happen. And we're still here. That's what my Grandma told me tonight, and it's so incredibly true. Things are going to happen, and in the end we're still here. I go back to school in a couple of weeks, and as much as I love the comfort of home I can't help but acknowledge the pang in my gut telling me that I'm not supposed to be here. I felt this way last Winter when I started coming home from college every other weekend. Things moved forward, people progressed forward. Staying where you're comfortable may feel okay for a little while, and it's good to go back to your roots and enjoy what's familiar---but stay put to long and you'll get stuck. You can not stand still. You must move forward. It's time. It's time to move forward. And keep going.

Norah Jones

"While the seasons will undo your soul,

time forgives us and takes control.

But, seperate our thing and put us back together.

We're light as a feather,

heavy as the weather,

if it was raining stones.

Put our hands together to applaud or pray,

it's like a show was over but we're too scared to walk away.

All for the better, worse for the way."

--Norah Jones, 'Light As A Feather'

Outward Laughter

I feel like I haven't really laughed in a long time. Sure, I've had moments where I was laughing and smiling and seemingly enjoying the light-hearted moment. But, I feel like as soon as that fleeting glimpse of happiness was gone I was struck with a wave of neutrality. Still, I feel like I haven't really laughed with my whole heart. Or even smiled just because I could. I used to smile at everything. I carried myself with such a happy-go-lucky rhythm and now I feel like I cut and slice every aspect of life into two categories: what I have to put up and what I can walk away from. That's not how I want to live. I want to laugh. I want to seek laughter. I've been spewing out all this philosophical bullshit about inner peace. Well maybe it really is all crap. Maybe you're effected a lot more by what's happening around you then what's happening inside of you. I don't know. Either way, I'm going to keep trying to find it. Maybe I'll change up my game and start looking outward.

The Comings & Goings

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."

Fatherly Advice

So tonight as I was getting ready for bed I stumbled into my Dad's room and just casually started talking. Little did I know, this would be a pivotal conversation in my life and in our relationship. We don't usually have deep conversations, pondering life's challenges or my relationships---but tonight was different. I went to my Father seeking a rational, stable answer to something I've been struggling with all Summer: change. It isn't happening for me. Or so I thought. My Dad and I were talking all about how my anticipation for change has so far been unmet by the lazy days of Summer and how exhausted I was from the monotony of day to day life. Then he shot this at me as I was complaining about my unanswered expectations: "Things change. And sometimes they aren't what you expect. You make plans. They change too." And then I told him about how I didn't know what I wanted out of life at all. He answered, "So you're saying you don't know what you want out of life? You don't have to. Not now, anyways." ---That, right there helped in more ways than I'm sure my Dad had intended. I need to stop worrying about what MIGHT happen and start focusing on what IS happening. I need to remember that each day presents me with the opportunity to create change, or enjoy what I have. My Dad reminded me that although I don't exactly know where life might take me, I can count on my "North". When things go wrong, I can always head North...home. And even if they go perfectly right, I still don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I know that for today I just have to enjoy it. And allow myself to live. Not make plans. Not anticipate what I don't know. But just live in today.