Another ramble, another gamble...

I think sometimes I get so caught up in myself that I get a little off kilter. It's time to get back and track. Even though I know how to be alone, it gets lonely. But, sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and make a choice to be happy.

8)

I think, I'll be okay.

Eve Ensler

Okay With It

So the Summer is almost over and I feel change in the air again. I went into this Summer expecting so much change and wonderful, exciting things but I think I've sort of realised that maybe my change, was NOT changing. I needed to have some sort of consistency, something to remind myself of the path that I'm trying to be on. It's so incredibly cliche to say "I have a path that I'm supposed to take, but I just don't where it's going to take me" and all that other bullshit nonsense. But by nothing life-altering happening to me this Summer, I had to look within and sort of just (as awful as it might sound) deal with myself. Handle, me. And I'm coming out of this Summer with fresh and exciting eyes, ready for whatever is next. I may not have found inner peace (if there is such a thing) and I may not have been swept off my feet but I did enjoy happy moments when they came to me, cried when I needed to, laughed when I wanted to, and daydreamed because I could. So that will have to be enough for me right now, and I'm totally okay with it. I don't know what's next, if it's change or things staying the same--leading into an easy Fall or an exciting Winter. Who knows. I don't feel ready, because I don't think I have to be ready. I'm just being.

Eat the Damn Chocolate Cake

As We Are

Arrows

Things happen. And we're still here. That's what my Grandma told me tonight, and it's so incredibly true. Things are going to happen, and in the end we're still here. I go back to school in a couple of weeks, and as much as I love the comfort of home I can't help but acknowledge the pang in my gut telling me that I'm not supposed to be here. I felt this way last Winter when I started coming home from college every other weekend. Things moved forward, people progressed forward. Staying where you're comfortable may feel okay for a little while, and it's good to go back to your roots and enjoy what's familiar---but stay put to long and you'll get stuck. You can not stand still. You must move forward. It's time. It's time to move forward. And keep going.

Norah Jones

"While the seasons will undo your soul,

time forgives us and takes control.

But, seperate our thing and put us back together.

We're light as a feather,

heavy as the weather,

if it was raining stones.

Put our hands together to applaud or pray,

it's like a show was over but we're too scared to walk away.

All for the better, worse for the way."

--Norah Jones, 'Light As A Feather'

Outward Laughter

I feel like I haven't really laughed in a long time. Sure, I've had moments where I was laughing and smiling and seemingly enjoying the light-hearted moment. But, I feel like as soon as that fleeting glimpse of happiness was gone I was struck with a wave of neutrality. Still, I feel like I haven't really laughed with my whole heart. Or even smiled just because I could. I used to smile at everything. I carried myself with such a happy-go-lucky rhythm and now I feel like I cut and slice every aspect of life into two categories: what I have to put up and what I can walk away from. That's not how I want to live. I want to laugh. I want to seek laughter. I've been spewing out all this philosophical bullshit about inner peace. Well maybe it really is all crap. Maybe you're effected a lot more by what's happening around you then what's happening inside of you. I don't know. Either way, I'm going to keep trying to find it. Maybe I'll change up my game and start looking outward.

The Comings & Goings

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."

Fatherly Advice

So tonight as I was getting ready for bed I stumbled into my Dad's room and just casually started talking. Little did I know, this would be a pivotal conversation in my life and in our relationship. We don't usually have deep conversations, pondering life's challenges or my relationships---but tonight was different. I went to my Father seeking a rational, stable answer to something I've been struggling with all Summer: change. It isn't happening for me. Or so I thought. My Dad and I were talking all about how my anticipation for change has so far been unmet by the lazy days of Summer and how exhausted I was from the monotony of day to day life. Then he shot this at me as I was complaining about my unanswered expectations: "Things change. And sometimes they aren't what you expect. You make plans. They change too." And then I told him about how I didn't know what I wanted out of life at all. He answered, "So you're saying you don't know what you want out of life? You don't have to. Not now, anyways." ---That, right there helped in more ways than I'm sure my Dad had intended. I need to stop worrying about what MIGHT happen and start focusing on what IS happening. I need to remember that each day presents me with the opportunity to create change, or enjoy what I have. My Dad reminded me that although I don't exactly know where life might take me, I can count on my "North". When things go wrong, I can always head North...home. And even if they go perfectly right, I still don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I know that for today I just have to enjoy it. And allow myself to live. Not make plans. Not anticipate what I don't know. But just live in today.

Tracks

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"

--Will Rogers

To Be...

Holly & Gerry

Holly: All I know is, if you don't figure out this something... you'll just stay ordinary, and it doesn't matter if it's a work of art or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something...new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it...and you know a little more about...you. A little bit more than anyone else does...does that make any sense at all?

Gerry: Yeah...you're saying that you want to paint socks.

Holly: Maybe!

Self Librarian

I read something today and it really stuck: "I am not a librarian of my own work. It's good not to get too involved with what you have done." I need to start reminding myself to cut myself some slack. I think I'm to critical of everything that I do and I need to be more open to making mistakes, and allowing myself to have them without worrying so much about it. I feel like a release is coming. Maybe of some resentment, anger, bitterness, hope...I'm not totally sure. But, a release of some sort. I set my expectations for this Summer really high. I wanted change, something new and exciting. But maybe my change is no change at all. Maybe it's something I can't see. Maybe it's something I can change on the inside. And I can feel it. I'm so incredibly close and on the verge of an inner breakthrough. I know, it's cheesy but I hope everyone has felt this feeling at some point. The pinnacle of anticipation, the feeling of knowing something--but nothing at all. I just need to remind myself that I make mistakes, and I will make more. And that it's okay. I can learn from them or choose not to. But at the end of the day, I'm not responsible for looking back, only looking forward.

The Runaways

"I know who you are, and I'm not impressed."

--Joan Jett

Marilyn

Lofty Reality

Time to write from me again. I must admit that although my quotes have merit to them and each picture has a thought behind it, sometimes it's good just to speak for myself. Again, it's pretty doubtful that anyone will read this but here I am. Anyways, I'm in the processing of learning something again. I can't really say learned, in the past tense because I feel like it's one of those pesky little life lessons that you're constantly adding to and picking away from. Either way, I'm learning that you can't really set yourself up for something. Not to say that you can't have ambitions or expectations. But those lofty ideas can only reach as far as yourself. You really can't rely on other peoples actions. All you really have is yourself to take care of. And with each day you have to remember that your own happiness is what matters, that reaching for your dreams is important, and you can only expect the best things for yourself. If you fail to do this, you'll be dissapointed. You can't count on the exceptions. They'll never happen when you want them to. Really, all you have to remember is something very simple that people lose somewhere in life: The sun rises and sets with you.

Expectations

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can be nurtured by genuineness. Expect the best of only yourself.

The Fool In Me

I must learn to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

--Theodore Isaac Rubin

Iris

"I understand feeling as small as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many haircuts you get, or how many gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you have wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

--Iris, "The Holiday"

Dusk & Summer

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I am going to be happy in it." -Groucho Marx

Smile

"When you finally allow yourself to trust joy and embrace it, you will find you dance with everything." --Emanuel

Overwhelmed

Alright so I guess another blog just to say something. I saw this quote the other day and I thought I'd share it with the masses:

"Man has a limited biological capacity for change. When this capacity is overwhelmed, the capacity is in future shock." ---Alvin Toffler

How true is that? Rhetorical question. It's incredibly true. I feel like every time there is a shift or a change in my life, I get unbelievably overwhelmed with self doubt that I just stop. I shut down. I go, for lack of a better term, into "shock". I feel like every question I had about why I do this--has been answered in two sentences. Biological or not, every time I go into system overload...I get stunned and just need time to regroup. More often than not, I don't have enough (or feel like I don't) time to react to life's little bitch slap. And since life is a perpetual change, maybe that's why I feel like I'm in constant shock. Right when I get settled in, something shifts and there I am...adjusting. Shocked, but alert.

Clarity

"As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you---the first time around."

Blog of Substance

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, or read anything I've ever posted here...but, I think people blog or whatever to send something out into cyber space just because they need to. You know? I think the fact that if people actually read it or not is irrelevant, as long as they said it. And it's avaiable for whoever stumbles upon it. So, I guess I'll join the blogging crowd and finally send something of substance out into the realm of computers in hopes that no one actually reads it and if they do, then they can relate or at least---actually. No. I'm writing because I can. And it's my blog. So why the hell not? So with that said. I think I've come to an excellent conclusion. (Possibly prompting my "Blog of Substance." Decide for yourself) Everyone can make a mess of things. And I feel like at some point, it doesn't really matter where or when it happens because it always does, you look back and you sort of sigh (maybe shrug) and go, "Oh shit." I'm pretty sure this moment always happens when you're looking back on something or some moment or period of time in your life and it's always AFTER you've already gone and mussed everything up. The horrible thing is: there's nothing you can do. Once you've done something, said something, thrown an opporunity away, hung onto an option that wasn't really there, acted on instint, or didn't act at all...whatever. That moment is gone. And what you're left with is the consequences or after math (for you positivists) of what happened. I feel like for me, I don't really realize anything at all until way after the situation. I slowly plug away doing shitty things, digging holes and I think somewhere in my mind---I know I'm doing this. Why am I doing this? This is going to bite me in the ass later! But, do it anyways. So my question is: is there a way of untangling things? I mean, really sorting through things? We all know that phrase "Starting Over/Fresh/New" is just a bunch of bullshit. You can't change anything that happened. It's there. Forever etched in your memory or someone elses. Things always find a way of coming back and flitering back into our lives. So how do you reconcile with it? Is reconciling with it all you can do? Shrug your shoulders, shake your head, have a moment of silence for mistakes that have piled up---and move on? I don't know. But I do know everyone worries. About something. I think my biggest worry (not fear, but worry) is that I won't ever be able to hang tough with my mistake and consequences. I'm sure there's a learning curve somewhere and I'll get there. In the mean time, I think that finding inner peace, true inner peace, is something worth achieving. That's all that happiness really is...right?

This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.

"You can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence. There are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be...he knew, he was sure of it now."

Breathe

Feather In The Wind

Gliding on the summerwind,
waiting for the break of dawn.

Hiding love has found an end,
now we know what's going on.

Give way these wings,
a heavy heart of mine.

Suddenly life seems to be,
a feather in the wind.

Don't Ever Blame A Change

Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that make the biggest impacts on our lives. For everything you've missed, you've gained something. We change, whether we like it or not. So, when we find someone who will laugh with us at the madness, cry with us at the sadness ---we should hold onto them with everything we've got.

Change is in the Air

"They always say TIME changes things, but you actually have to change them for YOURSELF." -Andy Warhol

Couples Screwed by Love

To Name A Few:

Winnie and Jesse-Tuck Everlasting

John and Savannah-Dear John

Henry and Clare-The Time Travler's Wife

Jack and Rose-Titanic

Tyler and Ally-Rememebr Me

Gerry and Holly-P.S. I Love You

Forrest and Jenny(Mostly Forrest)-Forrest Gump

Romeo and Juliet-William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

Duckie-Pretty in Pink

What's On My Mind

Addiction